The Battle Continues

Yep! This feels like a battle. A gruesome battle between the old me and the me I want to be.  In others I see, all the time, aspects that I’d like to develop in myself. Clear, Strong, Disciplined, Calm, Giving, Trusting, Loving, Confident, and the list goes on… Yet when I speak to others of my journey they all tell me that they see those aspects in me very profoundly. So why is it that I cannot see them in myself? Why is it I cannot see and Feel my Greatness? Why is it that I seem to be blind and live in a constant state of questions, doubts, fears and confusion, trying to escape and be free? 

I feel I am a bird with a chain around its ankle sitting on the dirt at the bottom of a stone chimney, constantly trying to fly up to the light at the chimney entrance but always wretched back down by the chain that is anchored into the floor. I’m exhausted from trying and failing, trying and failing, trying and failing..  So now I feel it is time to sit. Stop trying and just sit.  Sit, relax and go within. Let go of trying, let go of my disappointments, let go of it all! And just be now. Inner peace is what I desire so inner I go to experience peace. 

It’s like I’ve been trying to fly away from myself. Always looking outwards for the answers or looking to someone to tell me what to do, never trusting my own guidance system. 

Time to turn within to experience the greatness that is me. That I AM.

The slow process of letting go

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This week I had “a moment” where I realised I had lost faith as a child or to be more exact… faith was taken from me as a child..  I’d lost faith in myself that I could do anything and I had lost faith in “God” that “he” would be there for me.  In having this revelation and “aha” moment, I realised that if you don’t have faith in yourself or in something then really you just float along in life never really getting anywhere.  You have your big dreams but without faith in yourself that you can achieve them, well,  you just have dreams… Action is required to pursue intuitive hunches and if you have no faith that you can do it then those hunches (which would take you on a new journey) just go by the wayside and you look back at your life and your dreams and years pass by where you look back and  you’re exactly where you were back then and nothing really changes.

Chanting every day  “I can be what I will to be” and “Do it now”, go hand in hand.  Of course any of us can be what we will to be but if you are frozen in non action because you have “no faith” in your abilities and “no confidence” and “low self esteem”… then the train just sits at the station going nowhere.  Persistence on this heroes journey is the key.  With persistence you are saying…”hey! I want this! I can do it and if it takes a lifetime to change the old patterns to allow the new… then I’m going to persist until it is done!”

Using the Law of Least Effort is a game changer.  Once allowing the Acceptance to sink in, with where you are….you can then do something about it as you are no longer using all you energy to keep the door pushed shut.

For now… that is where I am.

Peace be the journey.

Enthusiasm and Feeling is the key

Enthusiasm and Feeling is something I have been struggling with the whole course.  I’ve had spurts of it but as I go on and continue the practices, the two things I need to manifest anything in my life are at a low…. I WANT MY ENTHUSIASM BACK!! I WANT MY FEELINGS OF EXCITEMENT BACK! So this week I begin my journey of the Law of Growth… what I observe will grow.  I entrust myself to observe enthusiasm! Excited feelings! Smiles! Laughter! Lightheartedness!  I also begin the journey of going through my studio and letting go.  I am ready to deal with my “stuff” and let it go to create space in my life for fun, loving, enthusiastic lightheartedness!!  Off to the studio I go…. I now proclaim that by June 30 2016 I will have created space in my life for the new and improved me!

Week 30 – Inside the Tunnel

To be or not to be… That is the question.  To be the new and improved me requires constant diligence but the push pull of the new verses the old is sometimes really exhausting.  I’ve been given glimpses into my future and then nothing…. and in the nothing is when I feel like a loose faith.  My energy starts to die in my body and the cloud comes over me.  Hormones it could be, but whatever it is… it is a crap feeling…. Is this being inside the tunnel on the hero’s journey?  Last week the train left the station and this week it is having trouble moving through the tunnel.. filled with dense coal air… I’m finding it hard to breathe.. yes the light is at the end.. but I’m telling you this thick air filled with coal particles is a little challenging.  At the same time it’s become clear that I really haven’t made a clear choice.  I have a studio filled with art supplies that I used to make my work years ago and I can’t seem to let it go.  I have moved on to clay and other works now and have been expressing creatively through this medium and have based my business on it for now… Who is it that I really want to be?  What is it that I really want to be doing?  I await the answer from within.

Week 29 -out of energy

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This week I have been out of energy to do practically anything.  My mojo for the course has come to slow pace..  I haven’t been happy with the girl in the mirror as I watch her old blueprint take over and woo her back into a false sense of security on the couch watching the box whilst feeling fluey with no energy, body lethargy, sore throat and the like.  But the strangest thing is that mountains have been moved along this journey and not so much the new habits formed… but more like the DO IT NOW attitude has clung on for dear life and is making the changes that need to happen.  Whether or not these changes are due to the forming of new habits… (not sure they are habits yet as I still HAVE to do them and I fight with the HAVE TO’S in my life.)  or the fact that the readings have influenced my subby so subtly that the recognition that my life is halfway over and I have sat in fear way too long and have allowed so many wonderful opportunities to pass me by…. and the guilt I feel for not taking the opportunities and the anger I feel towards myself for not having enough self confidence to do things bla bla bla … Whatever has changed in me in the last 7 months has been so huge that it is forever.  There is no going back as I know the girl in the mirror looks at me and says… DO NOT LET OPPORTUNITIES PASS YOU BY BECAUSE OF FEAR.  Get on with it and DO IT ANYWAY!  YOU WILL BE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF.  AND THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.  I’m starting to feel the train move out of the station and begin the journey… actually moving forwards… even though it is slow to start… the momentum of moving is happening and I am actually starting to feel it.  The last 7 months of the MKMMA has led me to myself through the readings the listenings the writings and also the intuitive knowings which have led me to outside therapies that have influenced my spiritual growth magnanimously, and for all of that I am truely grateful.  I am excited to be on this journey once again … with heightened senses to guide me into the unknown and into myself even more. Peace be this trains journey!

Week 28 – In the midsts

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I’ve actually been enjoying the re-reads of Haanels Chapters.  This time underlining different bits and pieces that appeal to me that I am using in my day to day life.  I find as my awareness expands, new information comes to the light that wasn’t there before.

I’m taking new opportunities that are presented to me, where before I would procrastinate.

Life is good and the change is at a snails pace.

Week 27 – Scrambled and Starting again… Again!

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Scrambled Eggs is in my head.   Mushy and mixed up thoughts.  So many things to focus on.  Then another comes along… and then another… then I’m overwhelmed with so much to focus on!!!  Visualise and feel good about!  The busy-ness and full on outside world is just an indication of my inner world so time to simplify and cull the crap.  The pressure I put on myself to get it right, to know exactly what I want, seems to get no where and out weighs the joy of just living.  From today I start again with my version of what I WANT.. I just want to LOVE MY LIFE!  Have that feeling of loving my life!!!  So applying the Law of Growth I have begun observing people who I see as Loving their life.  Using visualisations I now have chosen to just see myself smiling on the inside being totally grateful for an awesome life.  It’s the feelings that I have had trouble connecting with.  I’ve spent so long in feelings of stress and worry and fear that they have become a habit and changing to feelings of joy and relaxation seem to be tough and don’t seem to stick.  So now using the Law of practice… I now practice smiling more often, practice visualising my inner smile, practice practice practice!  Using the Law of substitution… substitute feelings of overwhelm with relaxation… So many things to do so I am starting again…. Again!  Over and out…. stuff to do:-)


Week 26 – Needing a Revamp

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This last week I have felt a bit ‘stale’, for use of a better word or now that I think of it I’m feeling like I am just sitting with all that is happening.  Kind of like I am holding my breath in observation at my DMP coming into fruition.  But is it what a want?  It’s left me thinking …. is what I have written down what I really want?  I’m working more than ever now and that is certainly not what I want.  So time to re-evalute my words and my DMP.  Time to go within and sit with it all, to find the words that will build my DMP with enthusiasm! 

Week 25 – applying the knowledge

Once again I’m finding it hard to put my words into a constructive 400 word blurb.  This last week has been a wonderful continuation of the MKMMA… I feel having spent the last 6 months engrossed in changed in a conscious way.. there is no going back.  It is now a part of my being and I am totally grateful for that.   I am doing the work and I am committed.  I see a light at the end of the tunnel and I know now how to get there.  

I have done many therapies, readings, healings, courses, et, etc (loads of etc’s) to gain more awareness in the field of the spiritual journey..(seeking happiness and inner peace).. but … I didn’t commit to the practices religiously and consciously everyday.  I did for a week or two but then the old blueprint would kick back in slowly and take over without me knowing, until years down the track I would be in the same mental chit chat as before. – {my self confidence was shot and unstable}.  

The MKMMA is such a gift to the world as it guides you through – with the tools to change.  The only thing is… YOU GOT TO DO THE WORK!   KNOWLEDGE DOES NOT APPLY ITSELF!  You can read as many books as you like, watch countless you tube videos, talks etc, go away on a variety of retreats… but unless you do the work Every Single Day of your Life and embrace the work as a Part of your life and Existence… then it really is futile.. It is all temporary relief to an on going problem.

During the course of the MKMMA support grows weekly as you yourself instigate it through blogging and the alliance area and your own guided connections to like minded people. It’s truly a wonderful gift… For me as well, my inner guidance directs me daily into different therapies/avenues/places/people/conversations etc that support my growth and awareness in the physical and present moment.  It’s the something I’ve been searching for… for now… but with what I have been through in my life pre-MKMMA, I still have many questions how it all fits together in the scheme of things.  But for now… One thing at a time.  Focused awareness on the moment. Forming new healthy Habits.  Positive Mental Attitude.  Defencelessness. Stillness and Silence.  

The magic that comes from Defencelessness this week has astounded me.  To a situation that had my blood boiling, ready to fight with all my might…. I stood still and allowed the barrage of attack… observing my need to scream and fight with rage and defence… I just stood still, listened.(even though my mind was a whirlwind of hurt feelings and confusion)  Within minutes the drama was gone and harmony reaped it’s rewards.

The path of least resistance.  Lets let this one grow!

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Week 24 – the journey continues

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After I was lost for words last week, I realised what I was trying to say in a condensed version was that I had experienced my new blueprint.  The new way I wanted my life to be everyday.  Flowing and giving and accepting and laughing and sharing and awareness and kindness and and and….  I had started the week in my old blueprint… and ended the week in my new blueprint and it was awesome!

The Truth and our True Nature is to live and give our Definite Major Purpose.  In the beginning I found it hard to write mine and for the duration of the course I must admit that when I read it, I didn’t really FEEL it and CLAIM it as MINE.  I found it hard to believe and just went along with ‘whatever’. After watching the webby this week and feeling in to my true nature whilst observing the true nature of our dog, our kitten, the ocean and the birds, I began to realise I am surrounded in my shop by my true nature.  Colour, Design, Texture, Nature, Brightness, Fabrics, Creativity, Sharing, Encouragement and Harmony.  Plus More…

After chatting to some friends about my journey with the MKMMA I realised that I have never CLAIMED my DMP, my True Nature.  I have put it to the side and done everything else.  Why?  Lack of confidence, self esteem, belief in what I do.

It has taken awhile but I am feeling the confidence to step up to the next step.  The teachings within the MKMMA have made all the difference and the one point I would like to make is the biggest message to me that changed everything was


For years I had read the ‘self help’ books over and over… but I never really applied the knowledge longer than a few months.  I didn’t live and breathe it.  Now ‘I’m getting there’.  I feel the seeds have taken root and there is no going back from NOW HERE.  I see the changes in myself and even in my husband as I continue to do my daily practices and ‘apply the knowledge’

So much more to say… But I think I’ll just leave it there and continue this journey.