Yep! This feels like a battle. A gruesome battle between the old me and the me I want to be. In others I see, all the time, aspects that I’d like to develop in myself. Clear, Strong, Disciplined, Calm, Giving, Trusting, Loving, Confident, and the list goes on… Yet when I speak to others of my journey they all tell me that they see those aspects in me very profoundly. So why is it that I cannot see them in myself? Why is it I cannot see and Feel my Greatness? Why is it that I seem to be blind and live in a constant state of questions, doubts, fears and confusion, trying to escape and be free?
I feel I am a bird with a chain around its ankle sitting on the dirt at the bottom of a stone chimney, constantly trying to fly up to the light at the chimney entrance but always wretched back down by the chain that is anchored into the floor. I’m exhausted from trying and failing, trying and failing, trying and failing.. So now I feel it is time to sit. Stop trying and just sit. Sit, relax and go within. Let go of trying, let go of my disappointments, let go of it all! And just be now. Inner peace is what I desire so inner I go to experience peace.
It’s like I’ve been trying to fly away from myself. Always looking outwards for the answers or looking to someone to tell me what to do, never trusting my own guidance system.
Time to turn within to experience the greatness that is me. That I AM.
This week I had “a moment” where I realised I had lost faith as a child or to be more exact… faith was taken from me as a child.. I’d lost faith in myself that I could do anything and I had lost faith in “God” that “he” would be there for me. In having this revelation and “aha” moment, I realised that if you don’t have faith in yourself or in something then really you just float along in life never really getting anywhere. You have your big dreams but without faith in yourself that you can achieve them, well, you just have dreams… Action is required to pursue intuitive hunches and if you have no faith that you can do it then those hunches (which would take you on a new journey) just go by the wayside and you look back at your life and your dreams and years pass by where you look back and you’re exactly where you were back then and nothing really changes.
Chanting every day “I can be what I will to be” and “Do it now”, go hand in hand. Of course any of us can be what we will to be but if you are frozen in non action because you have “no faith” in your abilities and “no confidence” and “low self esteem”… then the train just sits at the station going nowhere. Persistence on this heroes journey is the key. With persistence you are saying…”hey! I want this! I can do it and if it takes a lifetime to change the old patterns to allow the new… then I’m going to persist until it is done!”
Using the Law of Least Effort is a game changer. Once allowing the Acceptance to sink in, with where you are….you can then do something about it as you are no longer using all you energy to keep the door pushed shut.
For now… that is where I am.
Peace be the journey.
Enthusiasm and Feeling is something I have been struggling with the whole course. I’ve had spurts of it but as I go on and continue the practices, the two things I need to manifest anything in my life are at a low…. I WANT MY ENTHUSIASM BACK!! I WANT MY FEELINGS OF EXCITEMENT BACK! So this week I begin my journey of the Law of Growth… what I observe will grow. I entrust myself to observe enthusiasm! Excited feelings! Smiles! Laughter! Lightheartedness! I also begin the journey of going through my studio and letting go. I am ready to deal with my “stuff” and let it go to create space in my life for fun, loving, enthusiastic lightheartedness!! Off to the studio I go…. I now proclaim that by June 30 2016 I will have created space in my life for the new and improved me!
To be or not to be… That is the question. To be the new and improved me requires constant diligence but the push pull of the new verses the old is sometimes really exhausting. I’ve been given glimpses into my future and then nothing…. and in the nothing is when I feel like a loose faith. My energy starts to die in my body and the cloud comes over me. Hormones it could be, but whatever it is… it is a crap feeling…. Is this being inside the tunnel on the hero’s journey? Last week the train left the station and this week it is having trouble moving through the tunnel.. filled with dense coal air… I’m finding it hard to breathe.. yes the light is at the end.. but I’m telling you this thick air filled with coal particles is a little challenging. At the same time it’s become clear that I really haven’t made a clear choice. I have a studio filled with art supplies that I used to make my work years ago and I can’t seem to let it go. I have moved on to clay and other works now and have been expressing creatively through this medium and have based my business on it for now… Who is it that I really want to be? What is it that I really want to be doing? I await the answer from within.
This week I have been out of energy to do practically anything. My mojo for the course has come to slow pace.. I haven’t been happy with the girl in the mirror as I watch her old blueprint take over and woo her back into a false sense of security on the couch watching the box whilst feeling fluey with no energy, body lethargy, sore throat and the like. But the strangest thing is that mountains have been moved along this journey and not so much the new habits formed… but more like the DO IT NOW attitude has clung on for dear life and is making the changes that need to happen. Whether or not these changes are due to the forming of new habits… (not sure they are habits yet as I still HAVE to do them and I fight with the HAVE TO’S in my life.) or the fact that the readings have influenced my subby so subtly that the recognition that my life is halfway over and I have sat in fear way too long and have allowed so many wonderful opportunities to pass me by…. and the guilt I feel for not taking the opportunities and the anger I feel towards myself for not having enough self confidence to do things bla bla bla … Whatever has changed in me in the last 7 months has been so huge that it is forever. There is no going back as I know the girl in the mirror looks at me and says… DO NOT LET OPPORTUNITIES PASS YOU BY BECAUSE OF FEAR. Get on with it and DO IT ANYWAY! YOU WILL BE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF. AND THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. I’m starting to feel the train move out of the station and begin the journey… actually moving forwards… even though it is slow to start… the momentum of moving is happening and I am actually starting to feel it. The last 7 months of the MKMMA has led me to myself through the readings the listenings the writings and also the intuitive knowings which have led me to outside therapies that have influenced my spiritual growth magnanimously, and for all of that I am truely grateful. I am excited to be on this journey once again … with heightened senses to guide me into the unknown and into myself even more. Peace be this trains journey!
I’ve actually been enjoying the re-reads of Haanels Chapters. This time underlining different bits and pieces that appeal to me that I am using in my day to day life. I find as my awareness expands, new information comes to the light that wasn’t there before.
I’m taking new opportunities that are presented to me, where before I would procrastinate.
Life is good and the change is at a snails pace.
Scrambled Eggs is in my head. Mushy and mixed up thoughts. So many things to focus on. Then another comes along… and then another… then I’m overwhelmed with so much to focus on!!! Visualise and feel good about! The busy-ness and full on outside world is just an indication of my inner world so time to simplify and cull the crap. The pressure I put on myself to get it right, to know exactly what I want, seems to get no where and out weighs the joy of just living. From today I start again with my version of what I WANT.. I just want to LOVE MY LIFE! Have that feeling of loving my life!!! So applying the Law of Growth I have begun observing people who I see as Loving their life. Using visualisations I now have chosen to just see myself smiling on the inside being totally grateful for an awesome life. It’s the feelings that I have had trouble connecting with. I’ve spent so long in feelings of stress and worry and fear that they have become a habit and changing to feelings of joy and relaxation seem to be tough and don’t seem to stick. So now using the Law of practice… I now practice smiling more often, practice visualising my inner smile, practice practice practice! Using the Law of substitution… substitute feelings of overwhelm with relaxation… So many things to do so I am starting again…. Again! Over and out…. stuff to do:-)